I would like to start off by saying I was not allowed to give this beer a zero. So, the next few minutes of reading is going to be me convincing you, and myself, that this beer wasn't created in the bowels of a diseased rodent. Strap in.
I love Guiness. Guiness was the gateway stout for me. It's smooth, easy to drink, uncomplicated, and iconic. Stout is no longer intimidating once you've become accustomed to Guiness. If a pint of Extra Cold Guiness was the king of stout, this bottle of Black Cab would be the slug on the palace drainpipe.
"A tasty dark beer, Black Cab delivers a rich, full flavour from the chocolate malts in the brew, giving way to a satisfying creamy finish."
Tasty dark beer - Dark - YES. Beer - Yes. Tasty - As tasty as an ashtray smoothie.
Full flavour - It IS full of flavour. Just so happens that flavour is fermented ear wax.
Chocolate malts - Ever eaten "Cooking Chocolate"? That sort of chocolate.
Creamy finish - The beer does, thankfully, finish. Not creamy though.
So far I would say I've not done a great job of convincing you that this isn't a zero. But wait, there's more...
I considered reporting this as inappropriate. The above is one of three 5 STAR reviews. 5 STARS! Can I appreciate that people have differing opinions. Absolutely. Do I accept it? Nope. Will I be visiting the Dove in Hammersmith? Maybe, just so I can meet this person and really grill them on why they're lieing to us.
To summarise, and just in case you aren't sure whether I like it or not, this is not a beer I ever want to see again. I never want to hear it's name. When I die and my wake is taking place at a pub, I will haunt anyone who drinks this. I'd rather you defecate on my tombstone.
A generous 1/10. But we all know the true score.